I didn't shave. On purpose
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Randomize
