He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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