I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Randomize
