my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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