i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
