At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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