somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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