You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
