I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
