Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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