i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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