You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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