On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
