The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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