The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
