Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
