fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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