My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
