We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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