You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
