Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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