Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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