I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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