I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize