This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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