my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
