once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
