Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
