***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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