I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Randomize
