I like to think it a success when the cops are called
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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