If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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