I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
