Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize