she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
