You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize