The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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