You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
