ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
