Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
