God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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