i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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