There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
