He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
