Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
