i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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