she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You're like the curious george of whores
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
