im six kinds of drunk right now
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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