some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
