dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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