i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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