I can tuck mytits in my pants
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
