he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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