broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
