Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Can I color on your dick again?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Randomize
